Love is an Orientation I: Perception = Reality

We’re beginning a ten part series on Andrew Marin’s book, Love is an Orientation. I’ll present a summary of each chapter with the hope that we can start some conversation. Please don’t use this blog as a substitute for his book; I strongly encourage you to purchase his book for your own library.

The first chapter revolves around the idea that perception equals reality. In other words, no one is in a position to deny the validity and power that emotions have over a person, and this is an important thing to understand when communicating with the GLBT community. Marin argues that one of the first steps we must take in befriending the gay community is to understand their perception on mainline Christianity, and not only should evangelicals strive to understand that perception, they must try to understand how and why many gay people feel the way they do about the evangelical, conservative, mostly straight church in America or about Christianity in general.

Marin includes the dilemma of coming to terms with your sexuality in his discussion, and he mentions that many of the gay men and lesbians he’s worked with never wanted to be gay and actively prayed to God in an effort to remove this orientation from their life. Unfortunately, God never seemed to relieve this people of their lot in life, so Marin argues that many gay people come to one of two conclusions. Either God is not real because He does not answer the daily, fervent prayers for redemption and deliverance; or God has already condemned gay folks to hell solely based on their own sexual inclinations. I can attest to some of these confusions. For a period of my life, a year or two, I frequently would pray, in all earnest, that God would make me straight just so I could be normal. Here I am as a near-24 year old man who is still attracted to other men, and God’s silence or refusal to grant me this request caused so much confusion for me in my high school years. Why would God at once condemn homosexuality yet not take it away? And when your daily prayers for “purification” are rejected by a loving God, you begin to lose your grasp on your faith. Maybe prayer is false. Maybe the Bible is wrong. Maybe there isn’t even a God in the first place.

Of course, straight evangelicals might be quick to say that gays don’t pray hard enough. Gays are praying for the wrong thing, and the mainline Christians will push this thought on an already confused, distraught gay youth. Evangelicals should know better than this. Since when did prayer become a recipe of words to throw together to create a panacea? Prayer is never a formula to get what you want, yet evangelicals would have gay youth believe otherwise. Just keep praying, just say the right string of supplications to make yourself pure. Meanwhile, our gay neighbors become disillusioned on the power of prayer because even with increased fervor, nothing seems to happen, and “those narrow-minded evangelicals just don’t understand the struggle I have right now.”

In his book, Marin talks about his weekly community gatherings with the gay community of Chicago, and he shares an episode in which one hardened gay man finally broke his silence and emotionally blurted aloud, “Why am I here? I don’t need you, and I don’t need your God.” When you have a history of disappointment with God and with His Church, could we blame this man for feeling this way? Marin calls upon evangelicals to not try to fix the gay man at a moment like this; rather, he suggests that it’s far more constructive to listen and understand why they believe what they do. We make an effort to do this with the poor, the sick, the addicted to drugs, but rarely do evangelicals give the gay community that same ear and consideration.

When I met with Andy a month ago, he talked about the importance of validating the feelings of the gay community, but that does not mean you must affirm their lifestyle. To validate the experience of a gay man is to understand that all of the experiences in his life have shaped the feelings and beliefs he holds about Christianity, the church, and all things. It is to acknowledge that those convictions are real and based upon real events in that man’s life; therefore, we should pay attention to them and give those feelings weight. Many of my friends have done this with me, and I know how rich it feels to know that while sometimes I may be at odds with some of my friends, they at least will listen to what I have to say and give it significant thought. This is what the Christian church needs to do with the gay community.

Love/Freedom,
-JC