LIOA III: The Reality of Shame

Let's continue our summary of Andrew Marin's book, Love is an Orientation, and I do welcome all comments. The last few posts have been eerily quiet. In the third chapter of his book, Marin discusses the real politics of shame that many closeted gay individuals feel inside and outside of the church. He talks about one man named Arnold who feels the need to be a different person to each pocket of his life, "his gay acquaintances, his coworkers, his family, and his faith..."(Marin, 49). Many gay people, particularly those partially in the closet, feel this pressure to live as chameleons in this world. The GLBT world expects gay people to loudly and proudly proclaim their sexuality, while many pockets of mainline Christianity expect nothing less than silence or denial of a gay orientation. Imagine how difficult it would be for a man of any age to love his faith and his church yet to simultaneously lie about his sexuality to his closest friends out of fear of rejection or denial. Even worse, he will find acceptance in realms beyond the church, to the point where some corners of this world won't be happy with him until he comes out of the closet. I see this happen in my school all the time. "Do you think so and so is gay? I just wish he'd come out of the closet! It's so obvious to me." Frankly, I'm sick of that game at my school, and I respond to the following way whenever somebody asks me if I think so and so is gay: it doesn't matter to me; he's still my friend either way whom I love.

But the point of it all is this: gay subculture has felt victimized by organized religion and governments for centuries. Whether it's the lone man or woman who was fired from their job over their sexuality or it's the government that does not allow gays to serve in the military, the GLBT community has felt victimized by society over the years. So in the last forty years since Stonewall, gay society has spoken up, and the rest of our country gets on the defensive. Christians especially are not prepared to respond adequately to the outcry from gays, so many times I've seen Christians minimize the pain that the GLBT community feels. Look on Christian Internet forums where people say that homosexuality is just a sin, so therefore they shouldn't have civil rights. This only fuels the anger and pride of the gay community.

Underneath that pain and anger lies shame, Marin argues. He relates the story of a married mother who struggles with a lesbian sexuality. This mother's son died and her daughter was born disabled, and she felt that these tragedies were God's punishments for her sexuality (Marin, 58-59). Is this the environment that Christianity has created for men and women struggling to understand their different sexuality? This woman cannot speak even to her husband openly about her struggles, much less to her pastor or friends in the church. This is not right; this is not what the church has done.

There is shame in the church over any sin, but at least people with alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction can somewhat openly share about these struggles. They are somehow lesser sins that we can share in the privacy of small groups or accountability partners. Homosexuality? I get called a brave man whenever I speak about my own sexuality in Bible study or with other friends. I'm seen as a hero to many people, but I think I'm just sharing what I deal with in my life. That's not fair to me or to anybody else.

I think the problem here - and Marin hits it on the nose - is that we feel the need to look perfect in church. From the way we dress to the way we conduct ourselves in private, we must look perfect before our brothers and sisters in the faith. This has been going on since Adam and Eve tried to cover their own sins with fig leaves in Genesis 3. But shouldn't the Church be the perfect place for broken people to gather and seek grace from God? As Marin writes, "Feelings of faith, love, shame and stigma are formed int he context of how we relate to one another, even inside our own Christian families and circles" (Marin, 59-60).

So again, as I said in an earlier post, I believe that the Christian church needs to lead in loving people of the world, and most especially those in the GLBT community who are disenfranchised with the Church. We can do this by changing our rhetoric, by dropping that tired phrase "love the sinner, not the sin," by replacing homosexual with gay, by apologizing to any gay friend, classmate, or coworker for any offense you may have caused, whether with or without intent. When I wrote my "coming of age" story a couple weeks ago, a classmate from my middle school wrote a note to apologize for her actions and those of our classmates towards me. That meant a lot to me, and it's a significant, simple step to reconciliation.

Rob Bell of Mars Hill Bible Church did a three-part sermon series on forgiveness in June. The mantra of the series was this: you cannot forgive institutions, because institutions like a business or a church (The Church) cannot offend you. Only individuals can hurt you; therefore, you can only forgive individuals. And while I take issues with this statement, most certainly in the realm of bridge building with the GLBT community, I think Bell has a point that we can apply here. If you, as an individual Christian, have done something in your words or actions (or lack thereof) to grieve a gay friend or coworker or total stranger, take it upon yourself to apologize, to ask forgiveness, and to seek reconciliation. Do not wait for the other to make a move, but lead in love, in grace, in truth.

Much Love,
-Jimmy C.
3crossroadsblog@gmail.com